I was born in Indiana, and grew up in Indiana and Colorado. My parents divorced when I was in third grade, and my father was never near my whole life after that. At the age of 14, living with my mother and stepfather in Indiana, I lost my virginity with a boy living in the neighborhood. This boy broke my heart, and I ran away from home shortly afterwards.
Indiana quickly took me under its care, and I spent time from 14 to 17 years in orphanages. My mother was always physically and mentally unwell, and my adoptive dad was elderly, and was not able to take care of me. So, the state has now become my mother and father. I really didn't have the guidance I needed in my teenage life on how to succeed in adulthood. I lived with other restless children. Some of them were more abandoned than me. I was very illegible in relationships when I was in junior high and high school, thinking that it was quite normal to have sexual relations with whom I wanted and when I wanted. The boys loved me. The girls hated me. I wanted to feel loved, accepted, and needed attention. I understood at an early age that with the help of my body I could achieve what I needed from men. At the age of 15, I hitchhiked to Florida from Indiana to see a guy I liked, but was raped by a trucker who was old enough to be my father. It was a nightmare situation, and I thought that was all I was good for in life. Sex. Men and boys seemed to love this, and I loved their attention.
At the age of 17, I settled again in Colorado with my mother and stepfather. As soon as I turned 18, I was no longer there. No longer patronized by the state, I was free to do whatever I wanted and to be an “adult.” Thinking that I had become an adult, I headed to Denver to live the way I wanted. I haven't even finished high school yet. I wanted to work on radio and television, but this did not happen. I stopped in a small workshop with my older sister. I was involved in partying, drug use, and, worst of all, in striptease. I saw that my sister and her friend were coming home with a gym bag full of one-dollar bills. They wore sexy clothes; it seemed a pleasant and easy source of money. I told myself, “I can do the same,” and I started dancing in a strip club in the lower part of the city, one of those that will hire you if you are 18 years old. This place was a real brothel. Then I switched to holding private parties, then to prostitution, and all this was of no concern to me.
I remember one of the worst moments when I had sex for money; I had a client who wanted anal sex with me and he forced me to do this. He raped me. I went to the police and the hospital, but they did not help me because I was a prostitute. I started taking drugs to endure the pain.
Я продолжала зарабатывать деньги, и была в состоянии позволить себе личную квартиру. Я даже не должна была посещать школу. Я тогда работала, получала деньги, ходила на вечеринки, и делала всё что хотела. Я думала, что использую время своей собственной жизни. Я забыла о школе, или о постоянной работе и о моём будущем. Я никогда не думала, что я достигну возраста 30 лет, живя так, как я жила, поэтому не волновалась. Я была уверена, что к тому времени меня уже не будет.
Someone suggested that I try to star in porn films. He said he has a friend in the porn industry and he can help me get started. After talking with that person, he took my photos, and I immediately starred in my first scene right at the hotel in Denver. In my first scene, I was very nervous and scared. In addition, I was very naive, and did not know what orders exist in the porn industry. Under the terms of the contract, I had to act in a scene with another woman and had to behave as I did before.
When the camera began to work, I tried to withstand my first lesbian experience, when two men suddenly entered the scene, about the need to shoot with which I knew nothing. I was so traumatized that I simply closed myself from everything around me. I just ceased to be the same, and became Veronica Lane, a pornstar.
After this scene, I really felt like I had done something nasty and I hated myself.
The next thing I remember - I was in Las Vegas at a porn conference, signing autographs and filming with fans. I wasn’t even famous, but they already made me feel as if I were like that, and it touched me even more. I starred in several films in Las Vegas, and at that time did not get enough sleep. I was not even old enough to gamble. You can do a porn movie in Vegas, but you have no right to play or drink alcohol. This is simply a mistake.
All this was so irresistible for me that I returned to Colorado, but returned to the conference two more times. I loved attention and by that time I was fed up and used to this whole world of porn. I continued to work in Colorado starring in films and photo shoots, participating in parties, engaging in prostitution. Yes, porn stars are also engaged in prostitution! Everything related to sexual work - I did. I used to rely on men to take care of me. I so wanted to have a father. I was young and loved attention and money. Despite this, porn was not "charming." I definitely did some things that I did not want to do. I saw girls who were strangled on stage during filming and who were gagged. I was one of these girls, strangled and mouth closed. I also saw empty syringes and enemas lying around. I also met with women who were unable to work due to sexually transmitted diseases. I was treated like a piece of meat, and I saw how other women went through the same, or even worse. I did not go to bed, and I spent at parties all night on drugs. I was not even old enough to drink alcohol.
At the age of about 20, I flew to Los Angeles and spent a month and a half in Hollywood! Wow, I was a real "porn star" now. Everything seemed just wonderful until the moment when I started to have terrifying abdominal pains, so strong that I could not get out of bed. I was so sick that I went to the clinic, and it turned out that I had several bacterial infections and chlamydia at the same time! Medical therapy made me quit filming, and I hated it. I returned home to Colorado and decided to work in a topless bar for about 2 years to get away from porn. I also started drinking heavily. I tried to drown out the pain with alcohol and marijuana every day. I returned to prostitution and worked on a call. I risked my life again and again, and tried to stop many times. I tried to find a permanent job here and there. I really wanted to free myself. But I did more sexual work from time to time from 18 to 32 years old. Money was there constantly, and I could not do anything else.
I moved to another city and hoped to settle in and start a more or less normal life. I lost my job and returned to prostitution. Soon I met a man who became my regular customer, and I thought, if I marry him, I can get out of prostitution. I wanted love and a family that I never had. I believed that after that I would break out of sex work forever (yes, true). I was happy for some time, until I realized that I had not escaped from the sex business, I married him. He was porn addicted, and probably met prostitutes on the side. I became very sad, acquired suicidal thoughts, gained weight, became depressed, and had to take antidepressants and go to consultations. We divorced after about 2 years and I was alone again, but now I had a child, which I also had to take care of. I began to succumb to old habits and returned to prostitution. I still could not do anything but sell my body, soul and mind. I desperately wanted to break free, but did not know how to do it.
Today, that life ends. Praise the Lord, I found the strength to find a way out of the sex industry. I feel so tired. I was in ind